Wolverines, Post~BigbuildingBaboom

When the bigbuildings went baboom, nearly two years ago now, I bought a current edition of The SAS Survival Handbook to help me stave off the panic; a decade earlier I'd skimmed through a copy, and at the time it seemed like quite a useful book. But instead of reassuring me, it bummed me out.

I was let down mostly by my own inordinate expectations; for one, I had to accept that were I in fact ever in the kind of survival situation which this Handbook addresses, I'd be ~~ well, currently, my favourite euphemism is, "in a state or condition inconsistent with life". This kind of stuff is best taught by first~hand experience, and I've bupkas.

Also, I think this Handbook is geared more towards temporary survival, i.e., dying slowly enough to gain time for your buddies to find you and take you back to civilization ~~ whereas what I'd been hoping for was a survival guide that told you how to survive once civilization becomes history.

You see, ever since the bigbuilding baboom, I'd been trying to figure out how my job skills could be applicable in a post~apocalyptic society; and I'd concluded none of my skills would be transferable. So, I'd've been much more reassured by, say, a book called, What Terror Colour Code Is Your Parachute? Economic Survival in a Post~Apocalyptic World. I think that was what I really wanted; and now I feel compelled to go write it.

But mostly, I was bummed because the part I'd liked best about the Handbook, the part I'd bought the book hoping to see, the part that had cheered me with its memory over the last decade, that part had been rewritten:

Now, I am reconstructing this from memory, as I have neither the earlier edition nor the current edition on hand; but as I recall, it went something like this:

There was, and still is, a chapter in the SAS Survival Handbook which deals with animals, both prey & predator ~~ their tracks, their habits, how best to kill/prepare/eat them, and, as an added bonus, the utilitarian applications of their leftovers.

Lions & tigers & bears, oh my ~~ No Problemo! But, in the copy I'd originally come across, right next to the entry title "Wolverine" there was a caveat written in big black bold lettering:

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO KILL
Even if you are armed!

... and it went on to discuss the complete and utter nastiness of wolverines.

Of course, the Handbook was probably targeted at your average survivalist who wouldn't be up to the standards kept by the SAS... still, it had always tickled me to imagine that a disciplined SAS type toting firepower was no match for a determined wolverine.

And it heartened me to think that, unlike so many humans, there was still one beast left on the planet who could not be tamed by the application of a gun.

So when I bought the current copy, the entry on Wolverines was the first thing I went looking for.

And it had been rewritten. The caveat was gone.

Okay, the entry did warn that one had to Proceed With Extreme Caution when intending to tango with a wolverine; and it was Not be attempted Unless you were armed.

But... {sigh} ...that. is just. not. the same.

.

Either guns have gotten better...

.

...or wolverines have gone soft.

.

Either way...

...there's not an animal left on the planet that can stand up to a gun. Not that I know of...

.

{utter hopelessness}

.

.

{coping mechanisms kick in}

.

.

{resigned shrug}

.

Ah, well...

A little less hope, a little more room for gallows humour.

If you'll please excuse me... I believe there's a book on Post~Apocalyptic Economics that I ought to be writing.

Posted by edgar at June 18, 2003 04:58 PM